Reclaiming Yourself

Feeling connected to our true selves is essential for experiencing joy, satisfaction, and contentment in life. Many people can relate to the feeling of being pulled away from this connection by life's challenges and hardships. Whether it's your own struggle with addiction or you’re supporting someone else through it, there's a shared experience of feeling disconnected and emotionally numb. It feels like you’re putting all your energy into survival mode, often at the expense of your relationship with yourself and others. Please know that this sense of disconnection is a common and normal reaction to the difficult situation you’re in. Trust that there's a way to heal and reclaim yourself — a journey that can lead you back to experiencing vitality, love, and satisfaction in relationship with yourself and others.

In recent times, there has been a shift in the way we perceive and address individuals affected by addiction. For many years, the term "codependence" was commonly used to characterize individuals in addictive relationships, who were described as using unhealthy behaviors as coping mechanisms. A newer model called "prodependence," emphasizes a perspective that sees individuals in relationship with someone struggling with addiction as motivated by love, support, and care. It's essential to explore the distinctions between codependence and prodependence to gain a deeper understanding of the challenges associated with living in the presence of addiction and the journey towards experiencing a safe and loving environment in relationships.

Codependence vs. Prodependence
Codependence is a deficit-based trauma model that views loved ones of addicts as traumatized, damaged people who stay in their relationships, contribute to the problems of the addiction, and enable the addict.

Prodependence is a strength-based attachment-driven model that views loved ones of addicts as heroes for continuing to love and continuing to remain attached despite the debilitating presence of addiction.

Codependence describes loved ones of addicts as behaving in ways it considers pathological and unhealthy. It says they:
1. Get too involved in others' problems: They may become overly wrapped up in the lives of those they care about, losing sight of their own needs.
2. Struggle with setting boundaries: It's tough for them to say "no" or distinguish their own needs from others'.
3. Go out of their way to please others: They might sacrifice their well-being to make others happy, often out of a fear of being rejected.
4. Seek self-worth from others: They rely heavily on others' approval to feel good about themselves.
5. Feel anxious and hypervigilant: They're often overly worried about what others think and may constantly monitor and worry about relationships.
6. Minimize, ignore, or deny problems: They might downplay or excuse issues within their relationships, avoiding facing reality.
7. Behave based on past traumas: Use coping mechanisms developed in response to difficult or traumatic past experiences.

Prodependence acknowledges these behaviors in relationships with troubled loved ones but interprets them positively. When loved ones of addicts face crisis due to addiction in their lives, they may indeed exhibit behaviors that seem unreasonable. This is a normal reaction to a chaotic and difficult situation. However, amidst the chaos, they often show remarkable strength in trying to maintain normalcy by keeping up with house, kids, work responsibilities, and much more. These actions stem from a healthy source of energy, love, and care, not pathology. They highlight the caregiving loved one’s resilience and dedication to their partner and relationship despite the challenges they face. In the prodependence view, love is never considered wrong, unhealthy, or pathological. Prodependence recognizes that individuals are doing their best to navigate challenging situations and that their actions are driven by a genuine intention to support both people in the relationship. This is the heroism of the loved one of an addict.

Consider the following graph delineating traits that are often seen in loved ones of addicts. In his book, “Prodependence, Moving Beyond Codependency,” Robert Weiss lists codependent versus prodependent traits. In the left-hand column are the negative-sounding words found in discussions about codependence. In the right-hand column, similar traits are reflected but reframed as prodependent positives.